Since
the new year began, I have thought so much about progress. 2017 was a
very hard, hard year. The last half of 2016 was hard, and I was so
thrilled to say good-bye to that year and move into a new and promising
one. Little did I know that 2017 was going to kick me down before I could
re-surface again. But, here we are now, March 2018, and I can tell you it
is a night and day difference from last year. This turnaround has helped
me see that progress is real. Progress and change can happen at any age.
And that our brains are powerful, strong, and capable of changing patterns of
behavior.
I
have been wanting to write this post for quite some time, but have shrugged it
off for a couple of reasons. One, I am usually brain-dead at night and
have zero energy left to write anything coherent. Two, this is a very
vulnerable place for me, and I want to write it down, because I feel it is
important, but it is also taking a lot of courage. Here it goes...
Marshall
Parenting
Marshall has always been a bit of a challenge. At the core of who he is,
he is sweet, thoughtful, kind, loving, and sensitive. But the exterior
parts of him don't always show that. Moving to Utah was hard on him, but
we weathered those first few weeks fine and I thought we had come out on
top. He started school, we had Gretchen, he seemed to be doing
okay. Thanksgiving passed, Christmas passed, and then things started
getting really, really challenging. January was filled with hard nights
because he couldn't go to sleep, he was moody, he was mean, his emotions were
all over the place. By February we were literally walking on egg shells
around him. We would see fleeting signs of happy Marshall with a genuine
smile on his face, laughing, carefree. Seconds later he could be a raging
beast, screaming, yelling, hurting people, tearing his room apart. I felt
like the only time I could breathe was when he was at school. For me,
this was made even more challenging because Gretchen was not sleeping well at
this time. Her nights were so un-predictable. I honestly felt like
I had anxiety during the day because of Marshall and anxiety at night because
of Gretchen. One particularly hard day, I called my mom just to ask her
to watch my kids for something and as soon as she picked up the phone I started
to sob. She came over the next day and I slept for three hours.
Things
came to a head for Marshall on Valentine's Day last year. He was a mess,
Bridget had taken the brunt of his anger as just an innocent bystander, and
that night I told Richard that we needed to get help for Marshall. I knew
that Marshall deserved a better life, and we deserved a better life and happier
home, but I was at a complete loss as to how to help him. That night we
began the process of working with our insurance company to use our mental
health benefits. The first thing I needed to do was meet with a counselor
to determine our course of action. I was just holding on for dear life
until that appointment, but I left that appointment completely deflated.
He referred us to Primary Children's, but I had severe concerns about dragging
Marshall up to the children's hospital to see someone. I just had no idea
how he would react to that. Richard and I thought about it for a long
time, and decided to try the route of just using the school psychologist, but
after investigating that further, discovered that was not a viable option for
us.
By
this point we were at the end of February and I was running out of hope for my
son. Then one morning I got a call, someone following up on our case with
the insurance company, and she recommended a man named Cody Harris, a licensed
clinical social worker, who specialized in kids, who worked in
Farmington. I jumped on it and our first appointment was this week, one
year ago.
Marshall and I met with Cody pretty
much every week, or every other week, from March through
November. Within just a few short weeks, we started seeing HUGE
changes in Marshall. He was so much happier, and with time, his
temper tantrums were shorter. Over the next months, he learned how
to tell us that he was mad, and more importantly, he learned how to calm
himself down. After working with Cody for about six months, we
finally uncovered that anxiety was the real driving force behind a lot of
Marshall's challenges. We hit that head on, and even more improvement
was had in October and November.
As we began the new year, I have
reflected back a lot to who Marshall was last winter. He has come so
far. He has changed so much. He has improved so
much. My heart just bursts with pride when I think about how much
conscious change he has made, as an eight and nine year old
boy. Makes me realize that if a young child can choose to change
their behavior and thought processes in such a drastic way, then adults
certainly can as well.
Even though Cody worked almost
exclusively with Marshall, I still learned so much as a parent. He
had me read a book called, "The Whole-Brain Child" which was
excellent. I put those practices to work almost every day with one
or more of my children. I know that I am a better mom because of the
help that we got from Cody.
Me
Hmmm...where do I begin. 2016
was hard. 2017 was even harder. I had four children, lived in a new
place, aside from family, my support system had been ripped out from under
me. I was not clicking with my ward. I doubted my faith. Marshall
was taking all of my energy during the day. Gretchen was taking all of my
energy during the night. I was stressed, exhausted, overwhelmed, and
looking back, quite honestly, depressed.
I thrive on structure, routine,
plans. I like to be in control. And I was anything but in control
last year. I got into the best shape of my life before I was pregnant
with Gretchen. It was awesome. All during my pregnancy with
Gretchen, I couldn't wait to start really working out hard again, and
getting my body back to where I wanted it. But as any mom will tell
you...much easier said than done. When you are dealing with a baby whose
sleep schedule is un-predictable, everything else becomes un-predictable.
I don't deal well with that! I tried to eat healthy, but nursing just
always had me starving. On top of that, my emotions ruled my
eating. Sure, I could be good for a couple of days, but then a situation
would get the best of me, and I would medicate with food. Before long, I
was back to my weight that I was when I delivered Gretchen! It was
miserable. Nursing also really impacted my ability to lose the weight,
but man, I sure could pack it on! Yes, I absolutely felt better when I
was taking care of myself, but my body was not changing. I was not losing
inches, and I was definitely not losing pounds. It was so
frustrating. I was stuck in a viscous cycle.
By the middle of September 2017, I
had completely weaned Gretchen. I was ready to get my body back.
That was 25 weeks ago. For the last 25 weeks I have worked out 5-6 days a
week. I have pushed myself hard. I have made good eating choices,
though I still enjoy desserts here and there! My appetite really
decreased, and it made me realize even more how hungry nursing had me...all the
time! I set long term goals, short term goals, and I wake up every
morning setting daily goals. I also wrote down things I could do when it
got hard, when I wanted to check out, sit down on the couch, and eat junk
food. I have done this all on my own. Without a support group,
without a team, waking up early, almost no matter what. In the last 25
weeks, I have lost 31 pounds and 21 inches. In October I bought two new
pairs of pants because my other pants (the biggest size I have ever purchased) were
too big. By December, those new pants were too big. The last couple
of weeks I have pulled out clothes that I haven't worn since 2015!
In 2017, I set a goal for myself to
run a race. In September I decided to run a 10K on Thanksgiving
Day. When I started to train in September, I could not run a mile
without stopping to walk. On Thanksgiving I ran over six miles without
stopping. I have continued to run since, and I have just been able to
shave off second after second on my time. Last week I ran three miles,
each mile getting faster and faster. Now I know these are not speedy
times, but they are good for me, and an improvement, which is what really
matters: 11:50 (includes warm-up), 10:32, 10:13. I have started
lifting weights at our clubhouse because the weights I have been lifting at
home, for years, are no longer heavy enough. I still have more weight I
would like to loose, more inches, more time to shave off my miles, but man am I
happy and pleased.
Making these physical changes in my
life has improved my life and who I am in every capacity. I am
happier. I am more patient. I am more kind. I am more thoughtful.
I am a better wife. I am a better mom. When I think back to me, at
this time last year, I have changed so much, not just physically, but in every
other way as well. Progress is real. It can be had at any
age. Brains are powerful, for good or for bad. We can work
hard. We can accomplish so much.
