Progress

Since the new year began, I have thought so much about progress.  2017 was a very hard, hard year.  The last half of 2016 was hard, and I was so thrilled to say good-bye to that year and move into a new and promising one.  Little did I know that 2017 was going to kick me down before I could re-surface again.  But, here we are now, March 2018, and I can tell you it is a night and day difference from last year.  This turnaround has helped me see that progress is real.  Progress and change can happen at any age.  And that our brains are powerful, strong, and capable of changing patterns of behavior.  

I have been wanting to write this post for quite some time, but have shrugged it off for a couple of reasons.  One, I am usually brain-dead at night and have zero energy left to write anything coherent.  Two, this is a very vulnerable place for me, and I want to write it down, because I feel it is important, but it is also taking a lot of courage.  Here it goes...

Marshall

Parenting Marshall has always been a bit of a challenge.  At the core of who he is, he is sweet, thoughtful, kind, loving, and sensitive.  But the exterior parts of him don't always show that.  Moving to Utah was hard on him, but we weathered those first few weeks fine and I thought we had come out on top.  He started school, we had Gretchen, he seemed to be doing okay.  Thanksgiving passed, Christmas passed, and then things started getting really, really challenging.  January was filled with hard nights because he couldn't go to sleep, he was moody, he was mean, his emotions were all over the place.  By February we were literally walking on egg shells around him.  We would see fleeting signs of happy Marshall with a genuine smile on his face, laughing, carefree.  Seconds later he could be a raging beast, screaming, yelling, hurting people, tearing his room apart.  I felt like the only time I could breathe was when he was at school.  For me, this was made even more challenging because Gretchen was not sleeping well at this time.  Her nights were so un-predictable.  I honestly felt like I had anxiety during the day because of Marshall and anxiety at night because of Gretchen.  One particularly hard day, I called my mom just to ask her to watch my kids for something and as soon as she picked up the phone I started to sob.  She came over the next day and I slept for three hours.

Things came to a head for Marshall on Valentine's Day last year.  He was a mess, Bridget had taken the brunt of his anger as just an innocent bystander, and that night I told Richard that we needed to get help for Marshall.  I knew that Marshall deserved a better life, and we deserved a better life and happier home, but I was at a complete loss as to how to help him.  That night we began the process of working with our insurance company to use our mental health benefits.  The first thing I needed to do was meet with a counselor to determine our course of action.  I was just holding on for dear life until that appointment, but I left that appointment completely deflated.  He referred us to Primary Children's, but I had severe concerns about dragging Marshall up to the children's hospital to see someone.  I just had no idea how he would react to that.  Richard and I thought about it for a long time, and decided to try the route of just using the school psychologist, but after investigating that further, discovered that was not a viable option for us.  

By this point we were at the end of February and I was running out of hope for my son.  Then one morning I got a call, someone following up on our case with the insurance company, and she recommended a man named Cody Harris, a licensed clinical social worker, who specialized in kids, who worked in Farmington.  I jumped on it and our first appointment was this week, one year ago.  

Marshall and I met with Cody pretty much every week, or every other week, from March through November.  Within just a few short weeks, we started seeing HUGE changes in Marshall.  He was so much happier, and with time, his temper tantrums were shorter.  Over the next months, he learned how to tell us that he was mad, and more importantly, he learned how to calm himself down.  After working with Cody for about six months, we finally uncovered that anxiety was the real driving force behind a lot of Marshall's challenges.  We hit that head on, and even more improvement was had in October and November. 

As we began the new year, I have reflected back a lot to who Marshall was last winter.  He has come so far.  He has changed so much.  He has improved so much.  My heart just bursts with pride when I think about how much conscious change he has made, as an eight and nine year old boy.  Makes me realize that if a young child can choose to change their behavior and thought processes in such a drastic way, then adults certainly can as well. 

Even though Cody worked almost exclusively with Marshall, I still learned so much as a parent.  He had me read a book called, "The Whole-Brain Child" which was excellent.  I put those practices to work almost every day with one or more of my children.  I know that I am a better mom because of the help that we got from Cody. 

 I honestly count Cody as one of our miracles from 2017.  He did so much good for Marshall.  And words cannot adequately describe how happy I am for Marshall, and how proud I am of him for the changes he has made.  He has changed his behavior, his thought processes, his reactions, and how he handles situations.  His future is so bright! 

Me

Hmmm...where do I begin.  2016 was hard.  2017 was even harder.  I had four children, lived in a new place, aside from family, my support system had been ripped out from under me.  I was not clicking with my ward.  I doubted my faith.  Marshall was taking all of my energy during the day.  Gretchen was taking all of my energy during the night.  I was stressed, exhausted, overwhelmed, and looking back, quite honestly, depressed.  

I thrive on structure, routine, plans.  I like to be in control.  And I was anything but in control last year.  I got into the best shape of my life before I was pregnant with Gretchen.  It was awesome.  All during my pregnancy with Gretchen,  I couldn't wait to start really working out hard again, and getting my body back to where I wanted it.  But as any mom will tell you...much easier said than done.  When you are dealing with a baby whose sleep schedule is un-predictable, everything else becomes un-predictable.  I don't deal well with that!  I tried to eat healthy, but nursing just always had me starving.  On top of that, my emotions ruled my eating.  Sure, I could be good for a couple of days, but then a situation would get the best of me, and I would medicate with food.  Before long, I was back to my weight that I was when I delivered Gretchen!  It was miserable.  Nursing also really impacted my ability to lose the weight, but man, I sure could pack it on!  Yes, I absolutely felt better when I was taking care of myself, but my body was not changing.  I was not losing inches, and I was definitely not losing pounds.  It was so frustrating.  I was stuck in a viscous cycle.  

By the middle of September 2017, I had completely weaned Gretchen.  I was ready to get my body back.  That was 25 weeks ago.  For the last 25 weeks I have worked out 5-6 days a week.  I have pushed myself hard.  I have made good eating choices, though I still enjoy desserts here and there!  My appetite really decreased, and it made me realize even more how hungry nursing had me...all the time!  I set long term goals, short term goals, and I wake up every morning setting daily goals.  I also wrote down things I could do when it got hard, when I wanted to check out, sit down on the couch, and eat junk food.  I have done this all on my own.  Without a support group, without a team, waking up early, almost no matter what.  In the last 25 weeks, I have lost 31 pounds and 21 inches.  In October I bought two new pairs of pants because my other pants (the biggest size I have ever purchased) were too big.  By December, those new pants were too big.  The last couple of weeks I have pulled out clothes that I haven't worn since 2015!  

 In 2017, I set a goal for myself to run a race.  In September I decided to run a 10K on Thanksgiving Day.  When I started to train in September,  I could not run a mile without stopping to walk.  On Thanksgiving I ran over six miles without stopping.  I have continued to run since, and I have just been able to shave off second after second on my time.  Last week I ran three miles, each mile getting faster and faster.  Now I know these are not speedy times, but they are good for me, and an improvement, which is what really matters:  11:50 (includes warm-up), 10:32, 10:13.  I have started lifting weights at our clubhouse because the weights I have been lifting at home, for years, are no longer heavy enough.  I still have more weight I would like to loose, more inches, more time to shave off my miles, but man am I happy and pleased.  

Making these physical changes in my life has improved my life and who I am in every capacity.  I am happier.  I am more patient.  I am more kind.  I am more thoughtful.  I am a better wife.  I am a better mom.  When I think back to me, at this time last year, I have changed so much, not just physically, but in every other way as well.  Progress is real.  It can be had at any age.  Brains are powerful, for good or for bad.  We can work hard.  We can accomplish so much.