Thoughts On God

I have gently alluded to this in previous posts, but I now feel like I can write about this more freely and openly, and I feel like I need to.

By October of 2016, I felt my entire testimony and belief in God waning.  I think this was due to so many factors in my life, I can't pinpoint any one event.  In January 2017, I finally confided in Richard about this, but told no one else.  I told him I would keep going to church, even though I hated it, because I wanted our kids to have something, but I was on very shaky and doubting ground.  This was such a dark and scary and uncomfortable place for me.  Richard, very much to his credit, handled this well.  He never told me what to do, he never told me what to read or what to think, he just still kept loving me, talking with me, and supporting me.

Over the last 14 months, I have pieced a lot of my spirituality back together, and I am in a much better place now.  I have focused much more, and almost exclusively, on Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  I started reading the New Testament, and am still reading it.  For Christmas, Richard got me a book called, "The God Who Weeps" by Terryl and Fiona Givens.  I am only one chapter in, I can only read 3 or 4 pages at a time, but it is excellent.  I have talked through things with Richard, very close friends, and just recently, started talking to my parents.  

On Thursday night I went out to dinner with a dear Wisconsin friend.  We were together for two hours and almost our entire conversation was focused on spiritual things.  On Friday morning I got a phone call from my mom letting me know that my dear sister-in-law's father had been killed early that morning in a car accident.  My heart broke, and is still breaking, for my brother and his wife, who lost her dad at such an early age, in both his life and hers.  This has made me reflect and think so much about what I have learned and thought and felt over these last spiritually difficult months of my life.  

While I have a few quiet moments, I want to write down my thoughts, things that I believe now, in case I need a gentle reminder in the future.

*Spirituality is deeply personal, and it looks different for every single person.  My friend related an analogy to me on Thursday evening.  She has three children, and said that her relationship with each child is different, they each show her love in different ways.  She compared that to our relationship with our Heavenly Father and Savior.  We are all different, every single person who has ever lived on this earth, and so of course our spirituality, our relationship with our Heavenly Parents and Savior, and how we interact with those Divine Beings is going to be different.  Do not compare.

*Everything in life has it's opposite.  I know that, but two weeks ago, while reading my book, realized that the opposite of faith is doubt, and doubt is real, or else faith cannot be real.  Without doubt we cannot have faith.  It is okay to doubt, that is how we strengthen our faith.  

*Christ suffered for our sins, He felt all the pain we will ever feel.  He felt that thousands of years ago, but He feels it again, with us, today.  For some reason, I have read the stories of so many who are currently suffering, and all of them have written of literally being carried and sustained by a higher power during the most challenging times of their lives.  I do believe that Christ both succors and suffers with us when we are in our deepest heart aches.  Likewise, He rejoices with us during our happiest and most jubilant moments.  

*Mortality brings us really awful, awful things.  We can feel the darkest of emotions and the most broken of hearts.  There is no getting around it.  We can pray and talk and yell all those feelings to God.  He will hear us, and He will love us.  The eternal perspective of the gospel of Jesus Christ does provide us with great knowledge, but it is okay, and even  healthy to acknowledge the pain and hurt and deep sadness in life.   

One very comforting thing to me, during my most lost hours and days, was the knowledge of friends who had gone through similar things.  Who had struggled and wrestled with their faith, and who had come out on the other side.  Yes, I have had a handful of friends who have left the Church, but I know even more who have stayed.  It was so reassuring to me to know that even while I felt alone, I was not alone.  I knew people who had come out on the other side, changed and different, but had come back to their testimonies and faith.  I read an Exponent II article a few weeks ago, that I had my parents read as well.  It was a collection of three essays, and one essay wrote of how her doubts have led her to be more compassionate to other people who have expressed doubt.  And that is part of my reason in writing this, for others, and for myself included, who might need a reminder at some point along the path of life, that you are not alone.  Other people doubt, other people question, doubt can lead to faith, and that unrest can lead to comfort.