On Pregnancy

Here I am.  25 plus weeks into this pregnancy and I have yet to document a bit of it on the blog.  The main reason for this is that this pregnancy has done me in physically, mentally, emotionally, and dare I say, even spiritually.  Maybe it is being pregnant while also getting ready to move from a place I have lived in and loved for nine years.  Maybe because this is my fourth baby and life is cruising by just trying to keep up with the three that I already have.  Maybe because this is my first pregnancy in my 30s and it is taking quite a physical toll on this body.  Maybe it is all of the above.  But, before I find myself in the delivery room, I wanted to be sure to do this pregnancy justice and record my thoughts during the last six months...I can't believe its already been six months!

This was 100% a planned pregnancy, but all that I have experienced has been anything but planned for me, and that is super hard for me to handle.  

From that moment I took a pregnancy test on a December morning I was wracked with worry and fear.  Hope and peace and calm crept in at times, but I was a wreck.  I had had a miscarriage before Marshall, and figured my luck could not hold out for a fourth successful pregnancy.  At my first doctor appointment, right at six weeks, I told my OB about my out of control worry.  She was great and wonderful and skipped all small talk and just let me have an ultrasound.  My fears were temporarily alleviated when I saw a perfectly measured little babe with a fluttering heart.

My OB gave me the option of coming back in two weeks or four weeks for one more ultrasound.  Of course I chose the two week option...anything to calm me down!

I was once again so thrilled to see perfect growth and development.  It really is such an incredible miracle that something so small develops so quickly into a moving, breathing, perfect baby.  

All of this reassured me, but I was still plagued with worry on a daily basis.  I got to the point where I could usually talk myself out of it, but it took a lot of mind control, and also patience on Richard's part.  :)  

At 13 weeks I got another ultrasound, which is when we finally told the kids.  

This was a hard stretch for me though.  It was right around this time I started to feel the first little flutters, but then I would go for days before feeling  movement again.  I knew this was totally normal as I had experienced this with both Bridget and Rachel, but it did not make it any easier for me in my very hormonal state!  

At my 16 week check-up, which was completely normal, I talked to my doctor again about my out of control worry and stress.  She told me that while it is no fun, that it is not unusual for women, who have had a couple of kids, to just be filled with fear and worry over a very routine pregnancy.  She did a great job calming me down and told me I could come in whenever to listen to the heartbeat.  Thankfully, by 17 weeks I felt movement every single day.  

Those little kicks, jabs, and wiggles have done so much to calm my worries, but I still find them creeping in at times.  At least now I usually get a kick soon after worry sets in that brings me back and calms me down.  

Also during this pregnancy I have had to deal with major body issues.  I have never before struggled with a changing and growing body during pregnancy; in fact, I usually love it and embrace it!  This time though has been hard.  Really hard.  I worked my little tail off from the time that Rachel was nine months old until I got pregnant to really take control of my body.  I was fit, strong as I've ever been, and got to a point where I weighed less than I did before I got pregnant with Marshall.  Watching all that go has been hard.  Really hard.  Plus, with this being my fourth, I pulled out maternity clothes at 14 weeks.  Even though I had only lost weight up until that point (which I always do in the first trimester) my belly popped so early and all I wanted was comfortable clothing, so out came  the maternity clothes.  Again, I know I am not alone in this, as I've talked to multiple friends who have dealt or are currently dealing with these same struggles as they carry baby number four or five.  Honestly, I cannot wait for my post-partum body, and I do not have the easiest recoveries, so that's saying something.  

And lastly, finding out this baby was a girl has been a HUGE adjustment for me.  I did not go into this pregnancy thinking this would be our last.  I thought for sure we would have a fifth, with the option for a sixth.  But, as the weeks wore on, I basically decided this would be our last baby.  I decided to soak it up, as much as I could, and just enjoy being pregnant one last time.  I also felt fine about being done with kids because I was convinced this was a boy.  When Richard and I started talking about a fourth baby a year and a half ago, I felt so strongly that it would be a boy.  After my first check-up I knew even more it was a boy and we spent the next two nights talking about boy names.  I had it all planned out in my head.  Well, April 22nd rolled around, and Richard met me at the doctor for my 20 week ultrasound.  My favorite nurse walked in, we talked and laughed, I told her I was convinced it was a boy, and that I've never been wrong with my kids.  Thirty seconds into the ultrasound she got a great view and declared the baby a girl.  I spent the next 60 minutes of the ultrasound in complete shock, and in all honesty, quite a bit of sadness.  Sad for Marshall.  Sad for me.  Sad for all that I had planned.  

That ultrasound was five weeks ago and it took me a good two weeks to start to get excited about a third daughter.  Thankfully, some really great moments with Bridget and Rachel have brought some happiness to my heart.  Marshall, who was initially crushed, has gotten back to praying for the baby and patting my belly.  Seeing him happier has helped me be happier too.  

The best news is that she measures absolutely perfectly and seems to be healthy in every single way.  We could not ask for any more, and that is what I have to remind myself of often.  Yes, my plans have gone awry, but I can't control everything.  :)  

Two weeks ago I was in Target and actually had the desire to walk through the baby girl section and it did make me smile.  I am still treating this as my last pregnancy and last baby.  I honestly don't know if I can put myself through this again.  But, we'll take it one day, one week, one month at a time after she gets here.  Richard still thinks I will want one more.  

And speaking of Richard, he was able to feel her move for the first time last week as we lay in bed one night.  That was one of the happiest moments of this whole pregnancy for me.  Laying in bed, his hand on my belly, my hand on his, and within seconds such a strong kick from this little lady.  So, so special.  I hope to never forget it.