So Many Feelings

This summer has been hard.  How many times have I said that?  A lot.  

I have been counting down the days until school started...but last night after Back to School Night I cried, and I cried, and I cried.  I hadn't cried in six days...so those tears had been stored up for a while.  :)

The thing that has been challenging with this move is I start to feel adjusted, settled, and in a good routine, and then something happens, and I feel completely unsettled all over again.  

As we start a new school year, in a new state, in a new school, with new teachers, and new kids, I long for the familiarity and comfort of our Wisconsin life.  I miss the small playground, the familiar faces, the comfort of knowing teachers, and them knowing us.  I miss the smallness of Eisenhower Elementary on Center Street in Wauwatosa, Wisconsin...the smaller building, the smaller class sizes...the organization.  ;)  

So even though we are all adapting to what our life is now, today I deeply ache for what our life was. 

And even though this summer has been hard, it has also been really great.  We have had SO much time together, me and the three kids.  They have become each other's best little friends, and while I still have to break up fights and I want to pull my hair out at some point each day, there have been a lot of good moments.  Their imaginations have kept them company this summer.  Last week they built an airplane in the family room and flew to Alaska.  The week before they flew to Wisconsin.  The other day Bridget became a veterinarian.  So even though I have longed for a quiet house for weeks, now that it is here, I am sad that Marshall and Bridget are not right under foot each second of my day.  

I hope the very best for Marshall and Bridget as they start off on this new adventure.  I am much more nervous for Marshall than I am for Bridget, which usually seems to be the case.  I dropped him off at his first football practice two weeks ago and cried.  I told Richard I think for Marshall's entire life I will cry every time he does something new, because everything he experiences for the first time, I experience too.  

All morning long I have kept thinking about this quote, 

“Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ”   -Elizabeth Stone

Today my heart is worried and anxious.  I so hope Marshall has a good day.  I hope he adjusts to spending half of his day in French.  I hope he doesn't get lost navigating the much larger school.  I hope I can find him after school in a sea of hundreds of children.  I hope he has someone to play with during his three recesses.  I hope the kids are kind, oh how I hope the kids are kind.  I hope he makes friends.   

I kept my brave and excited face on for him this morning.  He showed much more excitement today than I was anticipating.  He and I enjoyed some snuggles on the couch this morning and then after getting ready he spent his morning bouncing around the house.  He held my hand as we walked onto the playground and stood on the blacktop with way too many people for a flag ceremony.  I followed him into the building with his class and kissed his cheek and told him I loved him right before he walked into his class.  It was only then I picked up on a glisten of tears in his eyes and as soon as I turned around and put my sunglasses back on I let all my tears come.  He was so brave this morning.  I hope he will always be brave.

And so here we are.  The summer I so desperately wanted to end has ended and I am a wreck of emotion.  But I do know that we will find our new groove and routine just like we have all summer long and it will all be okay.