Gretchen At Two

Our little Grizz Bear is two years old!!!  She is still tiny as ever, and we love all the comments we get while we are out about how darling and small she is.  We couldn't agree more!  Here are some things about Gretchen we always want to remember...

  

*At two years old, Gretchen is off the weight chart, in the negative direction!  Gretchen is 20 lbs. 15 oz. and 31.8 inches long.  Height wise, she is in the 10%.  So there's that!  And in true Toney form, her head is in the 95% at 19.7 inches around.  So it seems that most of her weight is in her darling head.  

*Following in the footsteps of her sisters, she is a picky eater.  I seriously feel like I feed her the same ten foods every single day:  apple juice, toast, yogurt, granola bars, z bars, nut bars, cheese pizza, and grilled cheese sandwiches.  Fortunately, she does like milk and drinks it every afternoon.  The only consistent fruit it seems she will always eat are plums, but sometimes she also eats strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, grapes, and bananas.  Though she actually does eat celery, cucumbers, and carrots; however, these are all very hard for her to chew, so it seems I eventually end up scraping them out of her mouth hoping that she is gaining some nutrients from them!  She also likes nuts...so maybe she is not as picky as I initially thought!  Yesterday she ate an entire chicken nugget and that alone made my day.  :)  She used to eat pasta of any kind, but stopped doing that months ago and that is actually very frustrating.  :)

*Gretchen has made SO much physical progress in the last year, and it has been so fun to watch her learn.  Last year at this time she was scooting to get around, and would not/could not stand even with support.  In the last year she has learned how to stand, how to pull herself up to stand, cruise along furniture, walk with push toys, walk unassisted, crawl up stairs, go down stairs on her tummy, jump, run, and step up and down a curb.  All of these things are huge accomplishments and we have celebrated them all.  I will forever be grateful to Early Intervention and her lovely therapist, who I came to love and still miss!  

*Gretchen is talking so well!  We love to hear her little voice.  She sometimes strings three or four words together, and it is a delight to hear.  She can say all of our names.  Some of my favorite things to hear her say are:  rocking chair, baby shark, hi mama, stop it mama, Elmo poopy, be naked, and sleepin'  :)

 *Speaking of naked, Gretchen has gone most of the summer in just a diaper.  Drives me NUTS!!!  So many cute clothes hang in her closet, and while it makes my laundry life easier, gosh I wish she would wear clothes!  She has mastered zippers and snaps, and can wiggle out of anything with a button, so even if she starts the day dressed, by the end of the day, she is usually back to a diaper.  I am desperately hoping that the change in weather will bring a change to her opinion of clothing!

*To my recollection, Gretchen is the only one of our kids who says, "Carry me" instead of "Carry you".  Smart girl! 

*Gretchen hates being laid down for a nap or for the night.  She cries 95% of the time I lay her down.  She has been doing this her whole life!  She never cries for long, usually less than one minute, but every time I lay her down and she cries I think to myself that I can't believe she is still doing this!  That being said, Richard is winning her over at night and they have a great routine going.  He rocks her for a long time and sings primary songs and then she just lays down, without even a whine.  He is soaking this up.  :)

*Gretchen LOVES the Baby Shark song on YouTube.  She asks all day long for Baby Shark, and as I mentioned earlier, I love the way she says Baby Shark and I could listen to her ask for it all day long.  She can also frequently be found dancing around in a room while singing Baby Shark.  She also loves I Am A Child of God, Twinkle Little Star, and Shall We Dance.

*One of Gretchen's current favorite activities is playing spa with Bridget.  :)  Bridget puts her up on her bed, tucks her in, and then pampers her and Gretchen just soaks it up.  

*Gretchen loves babies, bottles, and the Tickle Me Elmo she got for her birthday.  She also loves walking around in the high heel dress up shoes.  She loves putting on other people's socks, but not her own socks.   

*Gretchen had a terrible six day stomach flu right before her birthday and during that entire time she was so hard to handle.  Rightly so, I am sure she felt miserable, but it was so hard to handle.  None of us were used to so much crying from little Gretchen!  I am happy to report though that since she recovered, Gretchen has been completely delightful and I am soaking her up!!!  My goodness, she brings me so much happiness hour after hour.  She is happy, she is talkative, she is sweet, she is snuggly, she is so tiny and cute and has big brown eyes and the cheesiest smile.  We love, love, love this tiny girl!

Rachel At Five

Our summer, clearly, due to lack of writing, has been nuts!  But in the chaos of our lives, sweet Rachel Louise has turned five, and before we celebrate three other birthdays in our family, I have to devote some writing to her!  

*Shortly after Rachel's fifth birthday, she had her well-child check-up with our new pediatrician.  In the last year, Rachel actually lost two ounces, but grew 3 1/2 inches...so at least we have that going for us!  The pediatrician was not alarmed, but did ask us to come back for a weight check in six months.  We'll see what that visit holds!

*In keeping with medically related information, we found out in July that Rachel had seven cavities, which actually turned into nine.  Lovely.  They have all been taken care of now, and she was a trooper through it all.  There were a few factors that I am sure contributed to this and we are trying to remedy all of them:  Richard or I brush her teeth now, we floss, we try to brush first thing in the morning after she has finished breakfast, less food grazing throughout the day (her favorite hobby, but you wouldn't know it by the scale!), less sticky foods...that is a very tricky one for her!  Ahhh!!!  I am nervous to take her back for a dental cleaning in January.  There is also the potential she has Richard's dental genes, but hopefully we can at least improve her dental health!

*Rachel's current favorite foods are spaghetti with meatballs, strawberries, fettuccine alfredo, French toast, applesauce pouches, and strawberry fruit strips.

*Rachel still remains very much a mama's girl, though she does greet Richard every night with the best hugs and loads of enthusiasm.  

*Rachel loves, loves, loves to snuggle.  Sometimes it is too much for Gretchen and Bridget, but I love her snuggles, unless we are at church and she is literally smothering me.  At night she loves for me to tuck her in with her two baby blankets, the brown one first, with the tag in just the right spot so she can rub it.  :)  She rolls to her side and in the kindest voice asks me to rub her back, under her shirt, while I sing her "Keep the Commandments" two times.  :)  You would think that after that she would stay in bed, but she literally pops up seconds later.  She takes after her brother and it is harder for her to unwind at night.  She usually looks at books by the nightlight for a bit before climbing back in bed.  

*Rachel's imagination is alive and well!  For over a year, she has been making up pretend friends.  The whole story-line morphs and changes every few months, but for a while now we have been hearing about Carla, Clarabelle, and recently Carla has a new baby sister named Cupcake.  :)  They live in the ghost world.  The other day Rachel was having me guess animals based on magnets she was putting together.  I asked for a hint and she told me that the animal lived in the ghost world.  :)  I did my best to not crack up laughing!  

*Rachel is an emotional little girl, both for good and for bad.  She can be so sweet and sensitive and loving and concerned for people.  But her fears can get the best of her and she becomes inconsolable.  

*A couple of weeks ago we were at the Davis County Fair.  As we had been walking around, Rachel had noticed Elsa and Anna posing for pictures.  I told her we could talk to them later.  When we were ready to find them, Elsa and Anna had moved somewhere else and we couldn't see them.  Just a few minutes later, Elsa and Anna were walking back and Rachel ran, literally ran to them.  She hugged Elsa for SO long, so long that it caught Elsa off guard and made me and Stacie cry.  She then hugged Anna for just as long and all of our hearts melted into a puddle of tears.  

*Rachel has been begging for a long time to take a ballet class.  In the spring, she participated for a few weeks in a ballet class before the studio took a break for the summer.  I enrolled her again and she cannot wait to get back to ballet next week!  I must say, her pointed toes are very impressive!  She can already do an arabesque and her lines are beautiful!  She will be my dancing daughter.  :)

*Rachel came a long way with preschool drop-off, and has excelled with kindergarten drop off.  I am actually shocked at how well it has gone!  She could hardly wait to go to kindergarten since Marshall and Bridget started last week and was delighted when it was finally her turn!  

*Rachel and Marshall are either worst enemies or best friends.  Due to their emotional volatility they either love each other or hate each other.  Sometimes managing those two becomes very taxing, but we soak in the moments they get along and hope that one day they will last longer! 

*Rachel can turn any object into a baby or group of objects into a family.  When she is done playing, we frequently find toys organized into a circle with make shift beds with everyone in their own bed.  It melts my heart every single time.  

We love our Rachel Louise, who still mostly goes by Doke or Dokie.  :)

On Being Vulnerable

As I have gotten older, I have very much come to value vulnerability.  I have immediate love, respect, and compassion for people who open themselves up to vulnerability.  When I lived in Wisconsin, it seemed there was a lot more vulnerability...in church and between friends.  Since moving to Utah, I have craved, literally craved vulnerability.  I have given lots of thought to this, and have recognized within myself, that it is hard for me to open up and be vulnerable with people and in situations, but because I value it so much in others, I genuinely try to cultivate this important attribute in myself.  I have learned that it is easier for me to open up to certain people than others, certain situations are easier, and also my overall well-being plays into it.  

Over the last two weeks, I have had four situations, all with friends, that have been vulnerable...mostly on their part.  These conversations have been on the phone or in person, and with friends from different times of my life.  I have left these conversations completely filled with hope, peace, and camaraderie.  Without even knowing it, these friends helped me remember so many things.  Marriage is hard, raising kids is hard, dealing with finances is hard, life rarely goes as planned, sometimes we feel lost and alone, and sometimes we are overwhelmed.  All of that is normal.  Everything I am feeling, other people around me feel, we all experience it, but we don't always talk about it...and I wish we talked about it more.  

I am not saying we need to spend all our time talking about the hard and bad things, because life is meant to be enjoyed and uplifting, but honestly, when I hear how someone else is struggling with almost the exact same thing that I am, I feel uplifted and I feel hope.

Years ago, I was looking for quotes on vulnerability, I found my favorite ones, and wrote them down in my phone.  I read them often and have thought so much about them these last two weeks.

We all need somebody to talk to.  It would be good if we talked...not just pitter-patter, but real talk.  We shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact; that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable.

-Liv Ullmann

Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.  Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they are never weakness.

-Brene Brown

Heart to heart conversations are the best to me.  Everyone's vulnerable.  Vulnerability attracts honesty, honesty attracts soul connections.

-Anonymous

Today at church, I was in the teacher council class for the last hour of church.  The teacher asked what things our ward can improve on in general.  My heart immediately started to pound.  This ward has been so, so hard for me.  Last month in this class I desperately wanted to say something about how we need to talk to each other, show kindness, and develop friendships, but I never made that comment...I didn't know how without incriminating everyone in the classroom with me.  People immediately began answering the question, all with good thoughts, but never addressed this topic.  I still could not bring myself to talk, and eventually the teacher steered the discussion elsewhere and my racing heart calmed down.  Then, just at the end of class, the teacher brought up that the young women in our ward do not feel known and cared for by our ward.  The class before us had brainstormed some ideas as to how to address this, they were good ideas, and then he asked for further feedback.  

I could not hold it in any more.  I raised my hand, started talking, and my voice got shaky.  I talked about wards I had been in where I knew I was know, loved, and cared for.  I learned the most in those church settings because I was surrounded by people who cared for me and my family.  I talked about other wards where I felt none of those things and honestly felt, and believed, that I could easily miss one month straight of church and no one would knock on my door and no one would call.  It is really hard for me to learn and listen when I go to church in a ward where I feel that way.  I talked of the importance of looking outside ourselves, talking to someone we don't recognize, sitting by someone who is alone, and that when we meet people's basic needs of feeling loved and known, then we can teach and everything else will fall into place.  

Once I spewed all of that out while trying to remain composed, the teacher wrapped up class, the closing prayer was said, and class was over.  I immediately had two women come over to talk to me and a man came up and thanked me for my comments.  One of the women (who is an older divorced woman) told me that she did not want to come to church today, but decided to go anyway.  In her prayer this morning she prayed that she would find someone as lonely and misplaced as she felt.  And there I was, sitting right next to her.  

We have to talk!!!  We have to talk to our spouses, our parents, our friends, our siblings, our church congregation.  We are on this earth to help each other, but it is impossible to really give help, if we never tell anyone how things really are in our life and how we really, really feel.  We have to be real and ditch the facade we are so comfortable hiding behind.

Gretchen At 19 Months

Random time to do a post about Gretchen...19 months...but I feel like almost overnight she went from a baby to a toddler.  She is a complete delight to us, though she is starting to show some stubbornness, opinions, and defiance.  :)  She is 19 months old, and for so long she stayed a baby, but now here she is a toddler, walking around, talking more, growing up each day, and I can hardly believe that she is closer to the age of two, and that by the end of the summer we will be celebrating her second birthday.  

I know I wrote just a few short weeks ago about her, about my sadness of watching her grow up.  But now that she really is growing up and doing new things every day, it has been so happy and fun.  To see her progress, in leaps and bounds, is so rewarding.  I suppose it is not all bad watching a child move from baby to toddler...there are many perks.  :)

Here are some things about Gretchen that I never want to forget...

*She currently does not like wearing clothes.  For the last several days, when we go to get her from her crib in the morning, she has one arm out of her pajamas.  She refuses to get out of the crib until she has undressed herself.  This means I have to do the zipper on her pajamas, but then she wants to finish undressing completely unassisted.  She eats breakfast in her diaper only, even though she tells me she is cold every time I put her in the vinyl covered high chair.  :)  "Cold!" she says.  :)  She then wants to remain in her diaper the remainder of the morning.  Though the last few mornings, she insists on wearing Rachel's swimsuit and nightgown...at the same time.  Swimming suit first, nightgown over the top.  She tries to undress herself again after her nap, but we can usually derail that plan by getting her outside.  Though she has successfully turned a shirt completely backward and put her arms through the holes during her nap time.  :)

*When we are outside she always wants to be wearing Rachel's Sofia the First helmet.  It is hilarious.  The helmet makes her walking much less coordinated, but she pushes through.  When she is just standing in place, she sways a little bit to compensate for that heavy helmet on such a little head!  

*Gretchen has figured out how to sit on our big wheel bike and how to shuffle her feet along to make it move.  She loves it!  This week she is trying to master Rachel's scooter...not quite as easy as a bike...especially since she has only been walking a few weeks!

*She sleeps with three blankets and five to six stuffed animals.  She loves her Aiden and Anais blanket, that always comes out of the crib with her after she wakes up.  She just balls it up and holds onto it while we snuggle and while she sleeps.  Her favorite stuffed animals are Lula, her cougar, a brown bear Bridget gave to her for Christmas, and a tiny little blue bear.  She loves to kiss, hug, snuggle, and pat her animals.  The way she says Lula delights us all.  She completely changes her voice to say it.  She frequently hands each object to us, one at a time, before we can get her out of the crib.  It makes for quite an armful!

*Gretchen loves lotion and chapstick.  When she wants my lotion, she holds one hand out and says, "Peese!"  It is the cutest.  But as of late has also become a stall tactic of hers before naps and bedtime.  Clever girl!

*She continues to be a picky, picky eater.  She basically lives off of toast, yogurt, milk, juice, water, granola bars, and z bars.  Any cheese or fruit we get in her during the day is just a bonus.  She continues to shun all pastas (why?!?!).  She LOVES chocolate and Easter was a true delight for her!

*She has just started dancing, just in the last few days.  She loves her toy table because it plays songs, so she'll hit the button and stomp her feet and move her arms.  Hello.  The cutest.  I need to get it on video. 

*She adores Richard!  When he was in Texas a couple of weeks ago she asked for him multiple times a day.  One evening we Facetimed with him and it just about broke Gretchen's heart.  She kept holding her hands out to him and her lip would quiver because he wasn't picking her up.  When he gets home from work she quickly walks to him and exclaims, "Dada!"  She asks for Dada every morning, and is always delighted to find him at home on the weekends. 

*Gretchen blows kisses, then waves good-bye, and says "Bye-bye!".  She does this when actually saying good-bye to someone, but she also does this between me and Richard when she wants the other one to help her.  Like if I am holding her before putting her to bed, she will reach for Richard, he will pick her up, she'll look at me, blog a kiss, wave, and say "Bye-bye!"  She will also do this if I find her doing something she knows she shouldn't be doing...like playing with Richard's deodorant!  Clever again!

*Current common words are:  dada, mama, Bridget (breezet), Doke, walk, shoes, coat, ouch, get down, please, love you, lula, love you, bye bye, cracker, thank you.

We adore this girl!  

Bridget At Seven

Let's lighten things up here, shall we?!?! 

Our Bridget Lene' is seven years old.  SEVEN!  I can hardly believe it.  I have a brother who never ages in my eyes, even though he is now 24.  For some reason, Bridget is the same way for me.  I still think of her as a two and three year old, and so with every birthday I am blown away with how much she has grown and changed. 

These are the things I always want to remember about Bridget at seven.

*Bridget is still a lover of sugar cereal.  She does occasionally eat frosted mini wheats, so at least we have that going for us!  Her favorite breakfast food is crepes, slathered in syrup, again, loves the sugar!  She is currently on a strike with waffles, which is slightly annoying.  She still only drinks water, with chocolate milk only occasionally.  

*Despite her pickiness, Bridget LOVES school lunch.  Bless her soul.  One less thing for me to do in the morning!  At school, she will eat orange chicken, carrots, BBQ pork sandwiches, kiwi, mashed potatoes.  She won't eat any of that at home!  A few weeks ago, after telling me all the food she ate for lunch, I told her I was glad she eats at least one good meal a day and I asked her why she does not eat like that at home.  In true Bridget fashion, with complete honesty, but said in the sweetest voice, she looked at me and said, "Well the food you make is terrible!"  I just about died laughing.

*Bridget is our peacemaker.  Just this morning, Marshall, Bridget, and Rachel were all trying to play together.  It was not going so well between Marshall and Rachel, and there was Bridget, in between them, happily playing, and calmly offering up suggestions as to how they could solve the problem.  Bridget is so quick to adapt and change her plan when needed, and rarely gets ruffled about it.

*Bridget's reading has taken off this school year, and I love listening to her read.  A few weeks ago she finished all of the 1st grade reading levels, which she was thrilled about.  She hated those books she had to bring home every week!  Now she gets to read chapter books of her choosing and is delighted.  She is currently loving the Ivy and Bean series.  Bridget also loves math.  She loves it at school and it is the first homework she chooses to do at home. 

*Bridget continues to love art, and has also developed a more recent love of writing stories.  She can frequently be found writing and illustrating a new book. 

*Bridget is a great sister.  Marshall loves to play with her, and she loves it just as much.  Rachel adores Bridget, and the first thing Rachel asks me when waking up in the morning is if Bridget has school that day.  Bridget loves to hug and kiss Gretchen first thing in the morning and just before bed.  Yesterday afternoon I left Bridget home with napping Gretchen while I picked Rachel up from preschool.  When I got home, Bridget met me at the door, beaming with a smile from ear to ear, and there was Gretchen, sitting on the stairs.  Gretchen woke up right after I left, and Bridget had gotten her out of the crib all by herself.  She was pleased as punch.

*Bridget still adores Richard and expresses most of her affection during dinner, literally trying to eat as close to him as possible.  This just about drives Richard crazy as he can hardly move his arms to eat, but he sure appreciates her love.

*Bridget is independent and a problem solver.  She does not need the usual reassurances our other kids do and is just happy and content to go with the flow.

We love this girl and we are so glad she has been a part of our family for seven years!

Thoughts On God

I have gently alluded to this in previous posts, but I now feel like I can write about this more freely and openly, and I feel like I need to.

By October of 2016, I felt my entire testimony and belief in God waning.  I think this was due to so many factors in my life, I can't pinpoint any one event.  In January 2017, I finally confided in Richard about this, but told no one else.  I told him I would keep going to church, even though I hated it, because I wanted our kids to have something, but I was on very shaky and doubting ground.  This was such a dark and scary and uncomfortable place for me.  Richard, very much to his credit, handled this well.  He never told me what to do, he never told me what to read or what to think, he just still kept loving me, talking with me, and supporting me.

Over the last 14 months, I have pieced a lot of my spirituality back together, and I am in a much better place now.  I have focused much more, and almost exclusively, on Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  I started reading the New Testament, and am still reading it.  For Christmas, Richard got me a book called, "The God Who Weeps" by Terryl and Fiona Givens.  I am only one chapter in, I can only read 3 or 4 pages at a time, but it is excellent.  I have talked through things with Richard, very close friends, and just recently, started talking to my parents.  

On Thursday night I went out to dinner with a dear Wisconsin friend.  We were together for two hours and almost our entire conversation was focused on spiritual things.  On Friday morning I got a phone call from my mom letting me know that my dear sister-in-law's father had been killed early that morning in a car accident.  My heart broke, and is still breaking, for my brother and his wife, who lost her dad at such an early age, in both his life and hers.  This has made me reflect and think so much about what I have learned and thought and felt over these last spiritually difficult months of my life.  

While I have a few quiet moments, I want to write down my thoughts, things that I believe now, in case I need a gentle reminder in the future.

*Spirituality is deeply personal, and it looks different for every single person.  My friend related an analogy to me on Thursday evening.  She has three children, and said that her relationship with each child is different, they each show her love in different ways.  She compared that to our relationship with our Heavenly Father and Savior.  We are all different, every single person who has ever lived on this earth, and so of course our spirituality, our relationship with our Heavenly Parents and Savior, and how we interact with those Divine Beings is going to be different.  Do not compare.

*Everything in life has it's opposite.  I know that, but two weeks ago, while reading my book, realized that the opposite of faith is doubt, and doubt is real, or else faith cannot be real.  Without doubt we cannot have faith.  It is okay to doubt, that is how we strengthen our faith.  

*Christ suffered for our sins, He felt all the pain we will ever feel.  He felt that thousands of years ago, but He feels it again, with us, today.  For some reason, I have read the stories of so many who are currently suffering, and all of them have written of literally being carried and sustained by a higher power during the most challenging times of their lives.  I do believe that Christ both succors and suffers with us when we are in our deepest heart aches.  Likewise, He rejoices with us during our happiest and most jubilant moments.  

*Mortality brings us really awful, awful things.  We can feel the darkest of emotions and the most broken of hearts.  There is no getting around it.  We can pray and talk and yell all those feelings to God.  He will hear us, and He will love us.  The eternal perspective of the gospel of Jesus Christ does provide us with great knowledge, but it is okay, and even  healthy to acknowledge the pain and hurt and deep sadness in life.   

One very comforting thing to me, during my most lost hours and days, was the knowledge of friends who had gone through similar things.  Who had struggled and wrestled with their faith, and who had come out on the other side.  Yes, I have had a handful of friends who have left the Church, but I know even more who have stayed.  It was so reassuring to me to know that even while I felt alone, I was not alone.  I knew people who had come out on the other side, changed and different, but had come back to their testimonies and faith.  I read an Exponent II article a few weeks ago, that I had my parents read as well.  It was a collection of three essays, and one essay wrote of how her doubts have led her to be more compassionate to other people who have expressed doubt.  And that is part of my reason in writing this, for others, and for myself included, who might need a reminder at some point along the path of life, that you are not alone.  Other people doubt, other people question, doubt can lead to faith, and that unrest can lead to comfort.