Thoughts On Leaving...

I have known for almost two years that we would be moving away from Wisconsin.  For those many, many months I have been writing a post in my head about leaving and all the emotions and thoughts that come with that.  I wasn't planning on writing anything remotely like this until closer to our departure date.  However, the events of the last few weeks have left my heart raw and my mind swirling with thoughts of really leaving this place behind that we call home.  I have been trying to actually get these words out of my head and written down for a few days, but pregnancy exhaustion always gets the better of me and I find myself fumbling over words as I type, delete, and retype again.  Last night I promised myself I would spend my quiet Monday afternoon finally getting these thoughts down, so here I am, with a bit of time to myself as I listen to Rachel play in her room waiting for her quiet time timer to go off.  I am still devastated she learned how to climb out of her crib.  I digress...I am going to write.  These are my raw, honest thoughts.  I do not have time to write, edit, and think.  These words, thoughts, and emotions must be put down and I have limited time as a busy afternoon is quickly coming my way.

I could use a plethora of words to describe our nine years in Wisconsin.  There have been truly exceptional times as we have welcomed three children into our family, Richard has excelled on this medical path, and we have lived and breathed so many happy moments.  We have also had low moments.  Really low moments filled with heartache, worry, and a whole lot of questioning.  Through all of these times, both happy and sad, we have been blessed with exceptional friends.  Some of these friends have weathered all nine years with us.  Some have come and gone already, but left a lasting impression on our lives.  Some we have just met in the last year or two, but they have filled a void that we didn't know was there and our lives are better because of them.  

I have a handful of friends here who are currently in the middle of heart-wrenching and life altering challenges.  My heart hurts for these women, my mind thinks about them multiple times a day, and  my soul prays for them morning and night.  Thankfully, these women have wonderful family support, but their families do not live here, and can't possibly be here every day to step in at a moment's notice.  But there are friends here, and they help, and they pick up the phone, and can be there at a moment's notice, they take kids, they bring food, they listen, they support, they create happy, peaceful moments in dark and hard places.  There is something sacred about being helped by a friend, or giving help as a friend.  

For the last several days I have had a few verses of scripture from Mosiah running through my head, "are willing to bear one another's burdens, that they may be light; yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places."  

I had a mind shift about that last phrase a week ago, "to stand as a witness of God".  In the past, I have always thought about that with regard to being an example, being good and true in action and word.  However, a conversation with a friend last week caused me to think of this in a different way.  She talked of having a terrible week, being so weighed down with the multiple challenges that were being heaped upon her plate.  In desperation she prayed to God, asking if He even knew or cared about her family and how they were feeling.  Within the hour she received three text messages from friends, who live here, asking how she was doing and if she needed help with anything.  Those women were witnesses of God to this friend who so desperately needed to know she was loved and known.  

While Richard and I have not had to walk through these immense trials that some of our friends here are experiencing, our road has not always been easy.  Thankfully, we are blessed with great families who have done all they could to listen, visit, give advice and pray for us.  But they are not here, they are not down the street, they are not minutes away, they have not lived the day to day grind with us.  Our Milwaukee friends have.  They have seen us at our best, and they have seen us at our worst.  These friends are quick to offer help, pick up the phone, put a note in the mail, take the kids, bring in a meal, arrange a night out, or just to sit and listen, and cry, and laugh.  

And this brings me to one of my biggest, darkest fears about moving.  How will I fair without these friends, without this vast support network, of friends who love and care for us deeply?  Thankfully, we will be in a place with family, and with friends from all different times of our lives.  But, I do suspect that in the middle of being surrounded by these wonderful people, that I will have very lonely times.  I suspect I will long for the comfort of a friend's house, a warm smile greeting me at the door, or a text to make plans for the next day.  I know there will be times I will want to whisk us all back to the comfort and familiarity of our Wisconsin life.  

I have had women tell me that what I have here is so unique, and might never be replicated.  Even though it hurts my heart to believe, I think I believe it.  These friends are pretty darn close to perfection.  Will I ever find friends who have so much in common with me that our lives are so similar that it is so easy to give help?  I don't know.  And that is why it hurts so bad to walk away.  I am leaving an experience that I may never be granted again.  

Yes, there is so much good waiting for us in Utah, for me and for my family.  We will get to do and experience things we never have before.  We will have joy, we will have many happy moments, just like we have had here.  We will make friends.  But I wonder if I will ever have friends who love my kids like they are loved here.  Last week I got an email from a friend who did an excellent job at summing up my feelings.  She also lived here for nine years and my family's life is closely parallel to her family's life.  She talked of having a giant family here for nine years.  And now, they are all spread out, all over the country, still living life, still having babies, still doing fun things, but they are only apart of each other's lives from a distance, and it hurts.  And it is that hurt that scares me, worries me, and makes my heart want to rip in half.  

I will always be thankful for these nine years.  I know that some days I will long to have these years back.  How grateful I am for friends, friends who love and care and help, and have stayed with us through it all.