Bridget At Seven

Let's lighten things up here, shall we?!?! 

Our Bridget Lene' is seven years old.  SEVEN!  I can hardly believe it.  I have a brother who never ages in my eyes, even though he is now 24.  For some reason, Bridget is the same way for me.  I still think of her as a two and three year old, and so with every birthday I am blown away with how much she has grown and changed. 

These are the things I always want to remember about Bridget at seven.

*Bridget is still a lover of sugar cereal.  She does occasionally eat frosted mini wheats, so at least we have that going for us!  Her favorite breakfast food is crepes, slathered in syrup, again, loves the sugar!  She is currently on a strike with waffles, which is slightly annoying.  She still only drinks water, with chocolate milk only occasionally.  

*Despite her pickiness, Bridget LOVES school lunch.  Bless her soul.  One less thing for me to do in the morning!  At school, she will eat orange chicken, carrots, BBQ pork sandwiches, kiwi, mashed potatoes.  She won't eat any of that at home!  A few weeks ago, after telling me all the food she ate for lunch, I told her I was glad she eats at least one good meal a day and I asked her why she does not eat like that at home.  In true Bridget fashion, with complete honesty, but said in the sweetest voice, she looked at me and said, "Well the food you make is terrible!"  I just about died laughing.

*Bridget is our peacemaker.  Just this morning, Marshall, Bridget, and Rachel were all trying to play together.  It was not going so well between Marshall and Rachel, and there was Bridget, in between them, happily playing, and calmly offering up suggestions as to how they could solve the problem.  Bridget is so quick to adapt and change her plan when needed, and rarely gets ruffled about it.

*Bridget's reading has taken off this school year, and I love listening to her read.  A few weeks ago she finished all of the 1st grade reading levels, which she was thrilled about.  She hated those books she had to bring home every week!  Now she gets to read chapter books of her choosing and is delighted.  She is currently loving the Ivy and Bean series.  Bridget also loves math.  She loves it at school and it is the first homework she chooses to do at home. 

*Bridget continues to love art, and has also developed a more recent love of writing stories.  She can frequently be found writing and illustrating a new book. 

*Bridget is a great sister.  Marshall loves to play with her, and she loves it just as much.  Rachel adores Bridget, and the first thing Rachel asks me when waking up in the morning is if Bridget has school that day.  Bridget loves to hug and kiss Gretchen first thing in the morning and just before bed.  Yesterday afternoon I left Bridget home with napping Gretchen while I picked Rachel up from preschool.  When I got home, Bridget met me at the door, beaming with a smile from ear to ear, and there was Gretchen, sitting on the stairs.  Gretchen woke up right after I left, and Bridget had gotten her out of the crib all by herself.  She was pleased as punch.

*Bridget still adores Richard and expresses most of her affection during dinner, literally trying to eat as close to him as possible.  This just about drives Richard crazy as he can hardly move his arms to eat, but he sure appreciates her love.

*Bridget is independent and a problem solver.  She does not need the usual reassurances our other kids do and is just happy and content to go with the flow.

We love this girl and we are so glad she has been a part of our family for seven years!

Thoughts On God

I have gently alluded to this in previous posts, but I now feel like I can write about this more freely and openly, and I feel like I need to.

By October of 2016, I felt my entire testimony and belief in God waning.  I think this was due to so many factors in my life, I can't pinpoint any one event.  In January 2017, I finally confided in Richard about this, but told no one else.  I told him I would keep going to church, even though I hated it, because I wanted our kids to have something, but I was on very shaky and doubting ground.  This was such a dark and scary and uncomfortable place for me.  Richard, very much to his credit, handled this well.  He never told me what to do, he never told me what to read or what to think, he just still kept loving me, talking with me, and supporting me.

Over the last 14 months, I have pieced a lot of my spirituality back together, and I am in a much better place now.  I have focused much more, and almost exclusively, on Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  I started reading the New Testament, and am still reading it.  For Christmas, Richard got me a book called, "The God Who Weeps" by Terryl and Fiona Givens.  I am only one chapter in, I can only read 3 or 4 pages at a time, but it is excellent.  I have talked through things with Richard, very close friends, and just recently, started talking to my parents.  

On Thursday night I went out to dinner with a dear Wisconsin friend.  We were together for two hours and almost our entire conversation was focused on spiritual things.  On Friday morning I got a phone call from my mom letting me know that my dear sister-in-law's father had been killed early that morning in a car accident.  My heart broke, and is still breaking, for my brother and his wife, who lost her dad at such an early age, in both his life and hers.  This has made me reflect and think so much about what I have learned and thought and felt over these last spiritually difficult months of my life.  

While I have a few quiet moments, I want to write down my thoughts, things that I believe now, in case I need a gentle reminder in the future.

*Spirituality is deeply personal, and it looks different for every single person.  My friend related an analogy to me on Thursday evening.  She has three children, and said that her relationship with each child is different, they each show her love in different ways.  She compared that to our relationship with our Heavenly Father and Savior.  We are all different, every single person who has ever lived on this earth, and so of course our spirituality, our relationship with our Heavenly Parents and Savior, and how we interact with those Divine Beings is going to be different.  Do not compare.

*Everything in life has it's opposite.  I know that, but two weeks ago, while reading my book, realized that the opposite of faith is doubt, and doubt is real, or else faith cannot be real.  Without doubt we cannot have faith.  It is okay to doubt, that is how we strengthen our faith.  

*Christ suffered for our sins, He felt all the pain we will ever feel.  He felt that thousands of years ago, but He feels it again, with us, today.  For some reason, I have read the stories of so many who are currently suffering, and all of them have written of literally being carried and sustained by a higher power during the most challenging times of their lives.  I do believe that Christ both succors and suffers with us when we are in our deepest heart aches.  Likewise, He rejoices with us during our happiest and most jubilant moments.  

*Mortality brings us really awful, awful things.  We can feel the darkest of emotions and the most broken of hearts.  There is no getting around it.  We can pray and talk and yell all those feelings to God.  He will hear us, and He will love us.  The eternal perspective of the gospel of Jesus Christ does provide us with great knowledge, but it is okay, and even  healthy to acknowledge the pain and hurt and deep sadness in life.   

One very comforting thing to me, during my most lost hours and days, was the knowledge of friends who had gone through similar things.  Who had struggled and wrestled with their faith, and who had come out on the other side.  Yes, I have had a handful of friends who have left the Church, but I know even more who have stayed.  It was so reassuring to me to know that even while I felt alone, I was not alone.  I knew people who had come out on the other side, changed and different, but had come back to their testimonies and faith.  I read an Exponent II article a few weeks ago, that I had my parents read as well.  It was a collection of three essays, and one essay wrote of how her doubts have led her to be more compassionate to other people who have expressed doubt.  And that is part of my reason in writing this, for others, and for myself included, who might need a reminder at some point along the path of life, that you are not alone.  Other people doubt, other people question, doubt can lead to faith, and that unrest can lead to comfort.  

Progress

Since the new year began, I have thought so much about progress.  2017 was a very hard, hard year.  The last half of 2016 was hard, and I was so thrilled to say good-bye to that year and move into a new and promising one.  Little did I know that 2017 was going to kick me down before I could re-surface again.  But, here we are now, March 2018, and I can tell you it is a night and day difference from last year.  This turnaround has helped me see that progress is real.  Progress and change can happen at any age.  And that our brains are powerful, strong, and capable of changing patterns of behavior.  

I have been wanting to write this post for quite some time, but have shrugged it off for a couple of reasons.  One, I am usually brain-dead at night and have zero energy left to write anything coherent.  Two, this is a very vulnerable place for me, and I want to write it down, because I feel it is important, but it is also taking a lot of courage.  Here it goes...

Marshall

Parenting Marshall has always been a bit of a challenge.  At the core of who he is, he is sweet, thoughtful, kind, loving, and sensitive.  But the exterior parts of him don't always show that.  Moving to Utah was hard on him, but we weathered those first few weeks fine and I thought we had come out on top.  He started school, we had Gretchen, he seemed to be doing okay.  Thanksgiving passed, Christmas passed, and then things started getting really, really challenging.  January was filled with hard nights because he couldn't go to sleep, he was moody, he was mean, his emotions were all over the place.  By February we were literally walking on egg shells around him.  We would see fleeting signs of happy Marshall with a genuine smile on his face, laughing, carefree.  Seconds later he could be a raging beast, screaming, yelling, hurting people, tearing his room apart.  I felt like the only time I could breathe was when he was at school.  For me, this was made even more challenging because Gretchen was not sleeping well at this time.  Her nights were so un-predictable.  I honestly felt like I had anxiety during the day because of Marshall and anxiety at night because of Gretchen.  One particularly hard day, I called my mom just to ask her to watch my kids for something and as soon as she picked up the phone I started to sob.  She came over the next day and I slept for three hours.

Things came to a head for Marshall on Valentine's Day last year.  He was a mess, Bridget had taken the brunt of his anger as just an innocent bystander, and that night I told Richard that we needed to get help for Marshall.  I knew that Marshall deserved a better life, and we deserved a better life and happier home, but I was at a complete loss as to how to help him.  That night we began the process of working with our insurance company to use our mental health benefits.  The first thing I needed to do was meet with a counselor to determine our course of action.  I was just holding on for dear life until that appointment, but I left that appointment completely deflated.  He referred us to Primary Children's, but I had severe concerns about dragging Marshall up to the children's hospital to see someone.  I just had no idea how he would react to that.  Richard and I thought about it for a long time, and decided to try the route of just using the school psychologist, but after investigating that further, discovered that was not a viable option for us.  

By this point we were at the end of February and I was running out of hope for my son.  Then one morning I got a call, someone following up on our case with the insurance company, and she recommended a man named Cody Harris, a licensed clinical social worker, who specialized in kids, who worked in Farmington.  I jumped on it and our first appointment was this week, one year ago.  

Marshall and I met with Cody pretty much every week, or every other week, from March through November.  Within just a few short weeks, we started seeing HUGE changes in Marshall.  He was so much happier, and with time, his temper tantrums were shorter.  Over the next months, he learned how to tell us that he was mad, and more importantly, he learned how to calm himself down.  After working with Cody for about six months, we finally uncovered that anxiety was the real driving force behind a lot of Marshall's challenges.  We hit that head on, and even more improvement was had in October and November. 

As we began the new year, I have reflected back a lot to who Marshall was last winter.  He has come so far.  He has changed so much.  He has improved so much.  My heart just bursts with pride when I think about how much conscious change he has made, as an eight and nine year old boy.  Makes me realize that if a young child can choose to change their behavior and thought processes in such a drastic way, then adults certainly can as well. 

Even though Cody worked almost exclusively with Marshall, I still learned so much as a parent.  He had me read a book called, "The Whole-Brain Child" which was excellent.  I put those practices to work almost every day with one or more of my children.  I know that I am a better mom because of the help that we got from Cody. 

 I honestly count Cody as one of our miracles from 2017.  He did so much good for Marshall.  And words cannot adequately describe how happy I am for Marshall, and how proud I am of him for the changes he has made.  He has changed his behavior, his thought processes, his reactions, and how he handles situations.  His future is so bright! 

Me

Hmmm...where do I begin.  2016 was hard.  2017 was even harder.  I had four children, lived in a new place, aside from family, my support system had been ripped out from under me.  I was not clicking with my ward.  I doubted my faith.  Marshall was taking all of my energy during the day.  Gretchen was taking all of my energy during the night.  I was stressed, exhausted, overwhelmed, and looking back, quite honestly, depressed.  

I thrive on structure, routine, plans.  I like to be in control.  And I was anything but in control last year.  I got into the best shape of my life before I was pregnant with Gretchen.  It was awesome.  All during my pregnancy with Gretchen,  I couldn't wait to start really working out hard again, and getting my body back to where I wanted it.  But as any mom will tell you...much easier said than done.  When you are dealing with a baby whose sleep schedule is un-predictable, everything else becomes un-predictable.  I don't deal well with that!  I tried to eat healthy, but nursing just always had me starving.  On top of that, my emotions ruled my eating.  Sure, I could be good for a couple of days, but then a situation would get the best of me, and I would medicate with food.  Before long, I was back to my weight that I was when I delivered Gretchen!  It was miserable.  Nursing also really impacted my ability to lose the weight, but man, I sure could pack it on!  Yes, I absolutely felt better when I was taking care of myself, but my body was not changing.  I was not losing inches, and I was definitely not losing pounds.  It was so frustrating.  I was stuck in a viscous cycle.  

By the middle of September 2017, I had completely weaned Gretchen.  I was ready to get my body back.  That was 25 weeks ago.  For the last 25 weeks I have worked out 5-6 days a week.  I have pushed myself hard.  I have made good eating choices, though I still enjoy desserts here and there!  My appetite really decreased, and it made me realize even more how hungry nursing had me...all the time!  I set long term goals, short term goals, and I wake up every morning setting daily goals.  I also wrote down things I could do when it got hard, when I wanted to check out, sit down on the couch, and eat junk food.  I have done this all on my own.  Without a support group, without a team, waking up early, almost no matter what.  In the last 25 weeks, I have lost 31 pounds and 21 inches.  In October I bought two new pairs of pants because my other pants (the biggest size I have ever purchased) were too big.  By December, those new pants were too big.  The last couple of weeks I have pulled out clothes that I haven't worn since 2015!  

 In 2017, I set a goal for myself to run a race.  In September I decided to run a 10K on Thanksgiving Day.  When I started to train in September,  I could not run a mile without stopping to walk.  On Thanksgiving I ran over six miles without stopping.  I have continued to run since, and I have just been able to shave off second after second on my time.  Last week I ran three miles, each mile getting faster and faster.  Now I know these are not speedy times, but they are good for me, and an improvement, which is what really matters:  11:50 (includes warm-up), 10:32, 10:13.  I have started lifting weights at our clubhouse because the weights I have been lifting at home, for years, are no longer heavy enough.  I still have more weight I would like to loose, more inches, more time to shave off my miles, but man am I happy and pleased.  

Making these physical changes in my life has improved my life and who I am in every capacity.  I am happier.  I am more patient.  I am more kind.  I am more thoughtful.  I am a better wife.  I am a better mom.  When I think back to me, at this time last year, I have changed so much, not just physically, but in every other way as well.  Progress is real.  It can be had at any age.  Brains are powerful, for good or for bad.  We can work hard.  We can accomplish so much.

Bittersweet

This little girl is growing up, and honestly, I don't love it.  

Before I was pregnant with Gretchen, I was planning on having at least five or maybe even six kids.  But just a few weeks into my pregnancy with her, I started to think this would be our last.  I have relatively easy pregnancies, but the exhaustion alone, especially when taking care of three other children, just about did me in.  There were many afternoons during those early weeks, where it was all I could do to get Marshall home from school and then I would just fall asleep on the couch and he would take care of Bridget and Rachel.  Seriously!  He can be a real good kid when he wants to be.  

Once I started to think this could be it, I really tried hard to soak in all the special things of pregnancy.  I kept trying hard to do this after Gretchen was born.  I tried to spend more time holding her, staring at her during those night time feedings, and just soaking her up.  

Gretchen's lack of gross motor skills has at times brought stress and worry and extra work, but a part of me has loved how baby-ish it has kept her.  She is tiny in size and still wearing 12 month clothes, shoes that are 6-12 months, and honestly looks like a 9-12 month old baby.  Every time we are out and people watch this tiny little thing scoot around they ask me how old she is and are always shocked with my answer.  

I have relished these drawn out baby days though.  Sure, sometimes I wish I could put her down at the post office and have her stand up, but man, I have loved this extra baby time.  I love the way she tucks her legs up and curls her toes while she is sitting and playing.  I love, love, love her one-armed scoot while carrying a book or a baby doll.  I love that we have to carry her everywhere we go and she just holds onto our shoulders as we walk around.  

So when she took her first un-assisted steps on February 26, just a couple days shy of 18 months, though I was cheering on the outside, my heart was breaking on the inside.  Those precious, squishy, soft baby feet are going to disappear and my baby is going to turn into a toddler.  It was bound to happen, but I find that I am a lot more sad about it than I ever thought I would be.  

Christmas Break Part Two

After we got home from Vernal, we spent the remaining days of the Christmas Break with my family.  My brother, Ben, and his family were visiting from Arizona and my kids were elated to play with more cousins.  I hardly took any pictures during those days, but much fun was had and happy memories were made.  

We spent a morning at a church, just to have more space.  We played games, had pizza for lunch, and decorated gingerbread people.  Bridget and Anna were delighted to be sporting matching shirts.  

Me and my brothers.  I love feeling short when I am with them, especially when I position myself between Danny and Kevin, which I always do on purpose.  :)

LOVE Marshall's photo-bomb here.  :)

Even though I only have pictures from our church outing we also just played a lot, had sleepovers, restaurant night with adults-only, and went to the annual Yancey Christmas recital.  The highlight of our time together was Lisa surprising all of us, even Ben, that she was pregnant with twins!  Twins!  Due this summer!  Love this family, and love any time we can get together!

Christmas, In Pictures

Getting back to the holidays...

We spent Christmas in Vernal with Richard's family.  The last time we were in Vernal for Christmas was 2005, our first Christmas as a married couple.  So, here we were, 12 years and 4 kids later, and that was kind of fun to think about.  It was a wonderful and relaxing time.  We spent four full days there and enjoyed it all.

The weather was great the entire time we were there.  I was a little sad about no snow on Christmas, but really, who can complain when you get to play outside every day the end of December.  

On Saturday evening Joe's family came over for an early Christmas Eve dinner.  Becky had an awesome game planned with the kids and adults, all sorts of prizes wrapped in a giant saran-wrapped ball.  So much laughter, and so much fun!

Gretchen was reunited with Pepper and couldn't be happier.  I don't think Pepper shared the same sentiments.  

Evening snuggles and reading with Grandpa Bob.

Christmas Eve afternoon we made our traditional sugar cookies.  This is a tradition that I grew up with and we have kept it going, with one change, Richard rolls out the dough and helps the kids with the cookie cutters.  I love it!

Music time with Grandma Becky.

Christmas Eve pajamas!  Gretchen was so exhausted, that she went to bed early and missed out on the photo op.  You can just see the excitement!

Finally, a decent picture!

I am only including this picture because of Rachel's face.  You really never know what you are going to get with her!

Christmas morning!  The kids made it until almost 7:00 am.  

Gretchen LOVED opening gifts.  She was very possessive!  And if we weren't watching her, she was under the tree, opening other people's gifts!

Pepper also loved the firehouse.  :)

We spent the afternoon at Joe and Aubri's home playing games and eating delicious Christmas food.  We ended the night with hot cinnamon rolls back at Bob and Becky's home.  A cinnamon roll on Christmas evening might just have to become a tradition!

The next day we went to Dinosaur National Monument.  The kids were sworn in as junior rangers.  :)

This mountainside full of dinosaur bones was fascinating!  Look at all of those!

No big deal, just a dinosaur femur!

We ended our outing by hitting up Freddy's.  Where I was mauled by three out of four children for pretty much the entire meal.  

A memorable and happy Christmas holiday.